Soft BDSM Beginner’s Guide: How-to, Health Benefits and Rules

Did Fifty Shades of Grey tickle a part you never knew existed? Do you crave a new sexual experience but aren’t sure where to begin? You are at the right place! According to a sexual exploration study carried out in America (2015), More than 30 percent of adults who are sexually active practice BDSM, and every 3 out of 5 people have experienced a light spanking or a bite during sex.

This means that you are not alone. All you need is to embrace and accept the new kinky side of you which you never knew existed.

How-To Beginners Introduction to BDSM: A Step-By-Step Guide

If you are reading this you most definitely are open to learning, trying, and getting better at BDSM. It is however important to note that not everyone is/can be in a BDSM relationship. Talking to your partner is one major step you will have to take just to ensure you are on the same page and she is comfortable.

How do I tell whether I’m a Dominant/ Submissive?

Do you love taking charge or do you like it when someone else is in control? A dominant person loves sexually taking charge and finds pleasure/ satisfaction in it. In most cases, submissive partners are in real-life people who are in charge and make the decisions in organizations, offices so coming home and having someone else take charge is a pleasure for them. 

In some other cases, some people enjoy both being in control and having someone else take charge. It is perfectly normal and according to Sophia Banes, a Sexual advisor based in New York City, 10 percent of the people who are in BDSM relationships enjoy being both Subs and Doms.

How do I introduce BDSM into my relationship?

In as much as you might be interested in trying out a Sub/Dom relationship, it is important to ensure you and your partner are on the same page. Talk to your woman about having a BDSM relationship and most importantly be patient. It may take a while before your partner gets comfortable with the idea but what is the harm in trying? 

You can start small, a couple of light spanks during sex, a bite on the neck during foreplay, a pinch as she rides you, holding her hands behind her back as you give her those amazing orgasms and in no time she will be willing to explore more. More does not mean extreme it means a step by step process. Take time to know what she is comfortable with, what turns her on, and what makes her flinch. 

What if I am scared of talking to her?

First and foremost, you are the Alpha so why should you be scared? Take her out on a romantic date or make a candle-lit indoor party, set the mood right, and when she is in the moment introduce the topic. Ask her about her fantasies or watch a BDSM movie together and watch her reaction to it. You may be surprised by how open she is to it!

How do I share my fantasies with my partner?

Fantasies are what keep us alive when we are alone but at the same time, hold some of our deepest and darkest desires. Everyone has fantasies that are yet to be fulfilled and you might find that your partner is way crazier than yours.

How about a truth or drink game? You can suggest a truth or drink game with your partner where the questions are handwritten. Make sure to include a question about sexual fantasies and just like that, your problem is solved.

Having a face to face conversation is also a must-try. In the right environment, ask your partner whether she has any sexual fantasies. Be open-minded, listen and then carefully share yours and ask what she thinks about them. It can either be after sex or when watching a romantic movie or while taking a shower together.

BDSM Beginners Kit; A Must Have Selection Guide

If you are reading this you are probably wondering what could work best for you and why. Sex is an art and gone are the days when people used to get intimate with their clothes on and missionary style was the in thing. 

Blindfold.

This is a must-have for every beginner, no excuses allowed. The mystery that surrounds blindfolds makes the pleasure worthwhile. The good thing about using blindfolds is getting to connect on a new and personal level both sensually and physically.

Handcuffs

You don’t need expensive tools to achieve the pleasure that comes with bondage relationships. Just play it safe and use a satin scarf in place of handcuffs to restrain your Sub. It is advisable to use satin scarfs since they are more comfortable and tend to leave less bruising on the arms. You can also use leather cuffs which are made from leather and faux which ensure that no bruise marks are left on the arms after a night of passion.

Paddle

As a beginner, it is always advisable to start slow and nothing is greater than investing in a paddle. It works the same way a whip does but is gentler and less painful. It gives to the ability to give a spank which is excellent for a light play and moaning.

Poker cards

Did you know that there is a bunch of ways to play poker? In as much as you enjoy playing card with your boys on a weekend, you can spice things up with your sub by playing stripe poker game with your woman where the loser gets to obey dirty rules and dares from the other partner. Get all in by making the dares naughty, ask her to go commando, go down on her and dare her not to orgasm, and make it as much intimate as possible.

A Feather Tickler

Do you enjoy watching your partner beg and flinch? Well, nothing is better than a feather tickler for this! All smooth, pretty, delicate but very effective for leaving your woman sexually aroused.  With your woman tied up and blindfolded, feathers are a great way to get her aroused and take foreplay to the next level.

Bondage Bed Set

This bondage set will transform your bedroom into a bondage dungeon and the best part is, you get to keep your kinky affair all private! This bed bondage set comes with handcuffs and ankle cuffs ensuring your Sub is fully restrained. The cuffs are usually adjustable and removable, meaning that you will only attach them when in the mood for some kinky play.

Beginner Nipple Clamps

These are perfect for beginners and can be adjusted to fit the amount of pain according to your liking.  Nipple clamps are perfect for that sweet but bitter pain and will leave your woman feeling horny and wet. Alligator or crocodile nipple clamps are the best for easy adjusting and comfort ability.   

What are the common types of BDSM?

BDSM offers a wide range of options to try and in as much as blindfolds and cuffs please you, they may not please your woman. Here are a few other options that you can try and make your relationship interesting;

Bondage

This is by far the most well-known across both vanilla and kinky relationships. Bondage includes the use of restrains such as cuffs, bed-ties and silk scarfs so as to give the Dominant person power over the Submissive.

Impact

Normally common among couples who find pleasure in inflicting pain and receiving pain, impact involves flogging, spanking and slapping.

Sensation

This method tends to take advantage on the skin’s sensitivity so as to deliver pleasure. The skin is highly sensitive and contains a lot of pleasure points which are used to make a Submissive horny. Feathers, candle wax and ice/cold drinks are perfect for this.

Sensory Deprivation

This is the stimuli removal from one or more senses. Sensory deprivation increases the sensory degree of the other organs making them more alert and aware of the surrounding. The use of earmuffs and blindfolds for instance makes the body more sensitive to a person’s touch or an ice cube tracing across the nipples.

Role-Playing and BDSM

Nurse and patient or a teacher and student, the roles involved in this type of BDSM are distinctive and always involve one person having the power over another. The dominant usually takes the most powerful role, enslaving and humiliating the submissive for pleasure. Role-play doesn’t focus on sex but power enslavement and can include a simple play or a script-written complicated play. It however is mandatory when it comes to BDSM and involves taking a role that is different from the real you in real life.

Some role play character ideas include;

• Police and captive

Got your handcuffs and whips? Well, this is the perfect foreplay character for you, and also, who doesn’t love a little mischief from time to time? Get arrested, add those handcuffs and some spanks or whipping to get you both in the mood, and take it a notch higher by having sex in your ‘police car’ 

• Owner and pet

Domesticated animals are easy to control and also, dressing up like a cat or dog is fun. Add some leashes, mouth gags, and collars to make it more interesting.

• Teacher and student

You all have to admit that you once had a crush on a certain teacher back in school and there is nothing better than fulfilling that fantasy. All dressed up in a uniform, this type of role-playing involves caning, spanking, and other forms of punishment. The contest of a strict and dominant teacher can be arousing! 

• Father and daughter

You have probably watched this and enjoy how dominant the father is over his daughter when she has made a mistake. The main concept involves the daughter doing something wrong and the father threatening to report her to the mother unless she obeys his orders. This type of foreplay may include CMNF, Spanking, naked and humiliating poses among many others.

• Homeowner and maid

Who doesn’t love a hot maid in your house cleaning up and cooking? You can make it sexy by using the CMNF method where the maid is fully naked and the dominant(homeowner) is fully clothed giving orders and punishments when a service is done wrong.

The roles are extensive and include any characters of your preference. Usually the submissive obeys the orders given and depending on your taste it may include rape or CMNF (Clothed man Naked Female), Name-calling, or Flogging.

BDSM Rules; The Top Most Must follow

What are the Submissive/Dominant rules? How important are they? You are probably all in on the bondage relationship and most probably have tried a thing or two but you don’t want to have your submissive walking around with a red eye just because something went sideways during your little play.

Why have BDSM rules?

Having rules is highly beneficial to both parties because;

• They explain about each other’s roles and the dynamics
• Showcases what is acceptable or not avoiding abuse and misuse of power.
• Each person’s expectations are satisfied fully.
• They are fun to make! You get to know and connect with your woman in a sexual environment.
• Give a Submissive the ability to trust their Dominant.

Let us have a look at the must follow rules just to save you the agony and embarrassment;

Affirm your partner’s boundaries.

Get to know what your partner is comfortable with and what her boundaries are. Editing the to-do list helps prevent harm and disagreements in the relationship. What is a to-do list? Before getting into an S/D relationship, you should list down what each of you is comfortable with and open to. This will ensure that no boundaries are broken by the dominant partner.

Use safe words and signals.

The first step in a BDSM relationship is creating safe words. These are terms that your partner will use to warn you in case you do something which is out of her comfort zone or if the pin is too much to handle. These can be words such as Green or a certain fruit like a banana. Signals are used by people who normally don’t handle pain well and may be unable to speak or in a relationship where your Sub’s mouth has been restrained.

Aftercare

While bondage and submission are all fun and play, aftercare is one major step that those in a successful relationship both vanilla and kinky do not ignore. This is what makes a relationship flourish, ensures that everyone is comfortable and receives enough attention. Aftercare mainly consists of taking care of your partner, massaging, cleaning bruises in case they are hurt, and talking the experience through to know how both of you can improve the experience and make sure everyone is 100 percent comfortable.

Trust

Sexual dominance is not about demanding but about earning submission. Before your woman submits to you, she has to be sure that you have her best interests at heart and will not harm her. It is a process that demands patience and mutual understanding, you have to admit that they have put a lot of trust in you then acknowledge that and be the perfect Alpha male that you are supposed to be and accept that despite being the dominant leader in the relationship, you are both like two sides of a coin; dependent on one another.

Know how to use your Tools

But I’m a beginner, how am I supposed to know this? First, there is YouTube and secondly, there is chrome! No one is born a winner you just have to work your way up there and become one. Knowing how to use your tools, when and where ensures that your submissive does not get hurt. Mark, there is a huge difference between bruises and cuts. 

Lower your expectations.

Perfection is achieved and it takes tons of practice which demand patience. Considering that you are new at this, it is advisable to take your time, learn your ways and don’t expect to be perfect. Watch BDSM movies, look up tutorials on YouTube, practice and become a Pro. Do you think those porn actors who you have watched were born perfect? Of Course not!

Always ensure you are sober.

Engaging in BDSM while under the influence of drugs or alcohol may risk your partner’s safety. The more complex the activity the more sober you should be. Needle playing, neck bondage should be avoided during drunk nights to ensure your reaction to a case gone bad isn’t slowed down.

Does BDSM have Health Benefits?

Yes! Not one, not two but many health benefits. It is also rumored that D/S partners tend to live longer than the normal vanilla couples. Here are the benefits that you will get to enjoy in addition to pleasure;

Reduction of Stress Levels

BDSM is said to prevent the production of cortisol which is a stress hormone thus reducing stress. This results in overall better moods and calmness in both the couples. According to D.R Brad Sagarin a lead author, the amount of mindful attention created during BDSM has major benefits not only in one’s health but also in relationship growth. Stress-related diseases such as blood sugar and body inflammation can be prevented through S/D relationships.

Strengthened Body Immunity

Have you ever heard that sex cures headaches? Well, sex boosts blood flow across the human body, therefore, improving the circulation of oxygen across the body. This stimulates and ensures that all harmful waste products get released in form of sweat, carbon dioxide, and other waste products. The brain cells get cleansed making it easier for the body to operate and also preventing brain complications. Did you know that spanking increases the flow of blood into the brain? Next time don’t forget to give your woman a spank, you may be saving her life!

Better Mental Health

BDSM demands relaxation and complete trust between partners. The state of submission calms the mind making him/her aware of the surroundings and secure in the relationship. S/D relationships encourage open-mindedness which comes in handy when it comes to real-life encounters making most of the couples are extroverts in the community. 

Reduces the Risk of Clitoral Atrophy

Does your woman feel a little bit dull or dead during foreplay? You might want to consider Clitoral Atrophy as a reason why she is less sensitive. This is the lack of clitoral sensitivity which leads to a lack of arousal in women. This may be caused by a lack of enough blood flow to the clit leading to paleness and insensitivity. BDSM prevents/ improves this by stimulating blood flow to the clitoral region!

Prevents Obesity

BDSM is an active world of activities and tools which will always keep you on your feet keeping your physical health on check.

My Final Word to You;

How different can this be? All this BDSM experience might sound scary but lowering your expectations will go a long way. Of course, your first time will not be as perfect as seen in movies but with patience, you will get there. It is your role as the Alpha male to take charge, ensure that you both follow the BDSM rules, and watch your boring vanilla relationship change into a fairy tale or more of everyone’s wish! Just remember to keep the conversation open as you explore new ways and who knows, you may fall in love with this Lifestyle.