How to be Submissive without Being a Doormat

Table of Contents

The time has come to reset the submissive beliefs and make some new resolutions about being a doormat in relationships. Who said you have to a doormat in order to showcase your submissiveness? For a newbie submissive; it is very easy to be turned into a doormat without even noticing. Sadly, this topic is hardly talked about and will often make D/S relationships boring and toxic. Your dominant man should earn your trust and respect to gain your submissiveness and this should be done over a long period in which he should understand what you like, your dislike, how you react/different emotions. He should give you space to grow and support you. In short, he should take care of his baby girl and protect her.

How to tell if you are a doormat

Does he shout at you? Does he control your social life, choose your friends, and order you to stay indoors? Or does he downgrade your ideas and ignore your opinions? If yes, there is a very high probability that you are a doormat and should sit down and rethink your decisions! A D/S relationship is all about consent which means setting boundaries. As a sub, you should be able to show submissiveness to your alpha without being a doormat. For instance, you can pack his morning coffee, make his dinner and bath, be there for him sexually but be smart enough to draw a line where your personal life decisions have to be made.

If your Alpha treats you like trash, you probably rushed into the relationship and did not give yourselves room for relationship growth and communication. The negativity that follows these types of relationships can even result in depression and suicide.

How to avoid being a doormat

What do you want in a relationship? What are your goals as a submissive and a woman? Once you answer these questions genuinely, you will avoid being a submissive doormat. D/S relationships are not about making your dominant male happy; they are about making you both happy. Communication is one of the most important things in a relationship and if it is crap, you should take that as a red flag. Nothing is more important than your happiness; the faster you understand this, the easier it will be for you to avoid being in the doormat position.

Red flags that you might be a doormat submissive

  1. Do you play the victim role in your relationship?
  2. Neglecting your deepest desires to make your partner happy
  3. Fearing abandonment
  4. You are scared of what people think about you.
  5. You are scared of saying No 
  6. You hide what you are going through in your relationship
  7. You are always gauging his moods in fear of retaliation?
  8. You have lost your identity

You play the victim role in your relationship?

Being in a submissive relationship does not mean you have to play the victim role. People who play the victim role have three beliefs that need to change if they want to stop being a doormat. Victims believe that bad things always happen and therefore will keep on happening and take little or no effort to change that. Secondly, they always believe but they are innocent and thus other people should take the blame and lastly, they believe in failure and do not make effort in trying. In short, if your life is all about negativity and trying to force it down other people’s throats; that’s a red flag.

Neglecting your deepest desires to make your partner happy

Do you put your partner’s needs and wishes before yours? Does your Dom’s happiness matter more than yours? If you answered yes to the above questions, you are probably on the way to becoming a doormat if you already aren’t one! You should never have to sacrifice your happiness and desires to make your man happy, instead, your relationship should be healthy enough to hold and fulfill both your happiness. Your alpha should be able to accommodate both your wishes, he should be able to take positive control over both your lives and mold you into the best version of yourself.

Fearing abandonment

This is the main reason why most sub-missives become a doormat. D/S relationships are a two-way street and the moment you start compromising things or doing things you are uncomfortable with just because you are afraid of abandonment is the moment your relationship starts sinking. But that’s what being submissive is all about? Someone might ask. To make things clear, D/S relationships might be complex but one thing that is for sure, they do not support uncertainty. Your Dom should not put you in a spot where you feel vulnerable and have to sacrifice your wants just to avoid being abandoned.

You are scared of what people think about you.

Are you a people pleaser? Do you consider what other people will think before doing something? Yes, you are a doormat. What happened to be yourself, holding your head up in public and airing out your thoughts? Being a people’s pleaser is a full-time job and at that, an exhausting one too. You don’t need to surround yourself with people who don’t appreciate you enough to let you be yourself. If you cannot talk freely, be yourself or develop yourself positively among your group of friends; it is about high time for you to change that and change your crowd.

You are scared of saying No

You never say No even when you are uncomfortable? That’s how you know that you are a doormat. Being submissive means that you let your Dom make the major decisions and rules but that doesn’t mean that he will always be right. Yes, you should not call him out in public or shout at him but take time to make some dinner, light some scented candles, and set a relaxing mood then air out your thoughts. If he doesn’t listen or turns aggressive; you might be doing something wrong or maybe you rushed the relationship. Your alpha should be able to listen and respect your opinions and that means if he is wrong, you should correct him.

You hide what you are going through in your relationship

If you cannot speak about your relationship with your close friends you are a doormat! In as much as it is wrong to give your friends all the detailed information about your relationship; nothing is wrong with telling one or two things about it. In most cases, you will find that your Dom is the one who is demanding anonymity when it comes to your relationship but why should that happen if he is not doing anything wrong?

Have you ever gone through a bad relationship phase, suggested you get help from a relationship expert and the answer was a rude no? You are probably a doormat or in a toxic relationship.

You are always gauging his moods in fear of retaliation?

If you are in a relationship where you have to filter what you say just because you are scared of being hurt, you should probably rethink your relationship. A healthy D/S relationship should give you enough power to speak your mind without fear of harm and neither should your Dom raise his hand on you.

You have lost your identity

 How do you know whether you have lost your identity? Losing your identity can be a broad topic but for one, if you no longer have the spark you once had while around your man; there probably is something wrong. Going out of your comfort zone just to please your man tops that list, followed by changing your way of life/ friends just because your man wants you to. A relationship should aim t making you better not destroying your developing self.

How to stop being a Submissive Doormat

Being a doormat can be exhausting but what can you do to change that? Here are a few tips to help you redeem yourself;

Train people how to treat you

There is an old saying that states that people treat you how you allow them to. You should be courageous enough to tell people how you feel about their actions and what they should have done differently to ensure your emotions were not hurt. Standing up for yourself is the first step of stopping being a doormat.

Set your boundaries.

Make sure your partner knows where you stand, what you are comfortable with and uncomfortable with. Let him know that you will not be able to compromise your happiness to make the relationship work. Sit down and figure a way in which everyone will be contented and comfortable with.  Your journey towards ending being treated like a doormat starts with you.

Establish commitment

Being submissive does not mean that your partner has the right to treat you like trash! There should be consequences on his side too just as there are punishments when he is not happy with you. You can peg him; prevent him from getting hard till he improves. Pegging is often used as a form of punishment for men and can go a long way into making sure you are no longer treated like a doormat. If it gets to extremes you can give consequences like leaving the relationship.

Stand your ground with love

If you are still treated like a person who has no say and your partner still pushes you over even after telling them your boundaries and how you expect to be treated; it might be time to love yourself. Self-love means walking away and distancing yourself from this type of negativity and toxicity. It will do you better than harm and might take a while to get over but it is what is best for you both.

Submissive Limits

What are your limits? If you are new to this, you probably went ahead and googled a BDSM limits checklist and went ahead to try it out and that’s why you are a doormat. A sub should know what she wants and be able to communicate it to their Dom. BDSM relationships are very different from vanilla relationships; in BDSM everything is on the table until you decide it is not. While in vanilla relationships you were used to being asked whether you are comfortable with something being done to you, for example sending a nude photo of yourself, no one in the BDSM community will do that! You will be required to state beforehand what you are comfortable with or not. If you have a phobia of being suspended; tell your Dom because he may not ask if you are comfortable.

Limits in BDSM however shift with the time that’s why it is important to change/go over your to-do list as you get more experienced. You can try adding a few things to try and see if you will like them or cancel out practices that did not work for you. Having similar limits with your partner is crucial in the development of your relationship therefore try as much as possible to match similar limits.

Must know things about finding and managing limits

It is okay not to know your limits but as you grow, your sexual life needs to grow too and with that comes responsibilities. Setting limits ensures that you are not walked over, it gives you space to grow and sets standards and that is what you need to stay away from being a doormat. There are three types of limits that you should know about in the BDSM heaven; Soft limits, hard, and triggers. 

Soft limits are things that you are yet to try but are curious about experiencing. These types of limits are flexible but need care and attention when the time to try them outcomes. They can range from anal sex to voyeurism or any other kinky thing that is on your bucket list. These limits have specific instructions of how you would prefer to be treated, who you are comfortable trying your limits with, and the environment you would wish to try them out in. anal sex may be a great place to start for newbie Subs and will help you let your guard down and enjoy the kinky life.

Hard limits are things that you are not open to doing despite what happens. They are simply a hard No and thus are off your to-do list. These may include dead bodies, kids, and animals; in short, these are things that are off your desire list.

Triggers are often associated with a past event that caused trauma such as a fire outbreak or kidnapping. Triggers are things that remind your mind of a not-so-good experience forcing it to go to fight mode. You can add these things to your to-do list but you will require a very patient and understanding Dom to get through your fears.

Rewriting your BDSM limits list

This is the first step to being submissive without being a doormat. Now that you know the different types of limits and how to approach each, you can now go ahead and draft your limits while classifying them. It is okay to set new limits and give your time to change, what is wrong is sitting back and accepting that you are a doormat.

Start by reading BDSM books or watching videos and if you see something that you would love to try, note it down under the soft limits section. If you see something that disgusts you; go ahead and put it under the hard limits. With time, you will learn to accept only what you want and that’s where your journey to being yourself will begin!

How to overcome a limit

First of all, it is important to understand the type of relationship which you and your partner are in. if it is abusive or if he insists on doing things that are on your hard limits lists; it is advisable to leave. Overcoming limits can both be a personal journey or a couple’s thing. The first step is accepting your fear and discussing it with your partner. The second step is taking small steps. What does this mean? This means that you should not pressure yourself. If you are afraid of being struggled; start by wearing a loose collar a few minutes per day, as the days go by, try a tighter collar. Give yourself time to adjust; time to grow and trust. It may take a while so a lot of patience is required. It is possible to turn your triggers into soft limits and later on into the BDSM playlist.

Active submission

Active submission stands for engagement in the activities, decisions, and time from both parties. In most times; Subs only submit when they are in the mood leaving the Dom to feel left out or as if the relationship is one-sided. Submission is a full-time job and doesn’t choose the right from bad moods; it is, therefore, important to figure out how you can both be engaged actively when you are together.

Here are a few ideas that may help you in transitioning into active submission;

Respond enthusiastically when given command or request

It is okay to feel low and weak but that does not give you the ticket to treating your Dom’s requests with disgust or in a sluggish way. Low energy causes disinterest in the relationship and is likely to result in bad energy between the two of you.

You can spice up the request by adding something you like, turning on some music, or even dressing up just to help you get in the mood. If you feel greatly troubled; talking to your partner about your emotions might help a lot.

Ask detailed questions to get detailed answers

Your Dom is human and he cannot read your mind. Once you realize this, everything in your relationship will be smoother. What is the chance that your Dom does not know you feel like a doormat? Have you told him about it? If not; that should be your first step.

Asking detailed questions will ensure clarity in the orders given and also make sure that your limits are not being stepped on. Attention to detail is also crucial in showing your partner that you are into this as much as he is.

Offer open suggestions when given a task

Do you feel that your Dom can do better? Do you feel as if he is stepping on your toes? How about you speak out and offer open-ended suggestions? Open-ended suggestions offer an opportunity for discussion and change. They could change a task from boring to super fun in a snap of a finger. 

Submissive positions that will help you embrace your submissiveness without being a doormat

Being submissive is hot when done in the right way. There is nothing wrong with letting someone else take charge once in a while and obeying orders. Frankly speaking; being the bigger person all the time sucks and can be tiring at times. Here are a few submissive positions that will make sure you embrace your kinky side safely without anyone overstepping;

The spanking position

This position focuses on dependency and can be a little bit acrobatic. The style looks more like the doggy style but the submissive is held in position by the Dom leaving her to focus on her balance using her hands only. The Dom has complete control over everything and if that is not sexy, what is?

Sweet surrender

This position demands total surrender from the Sub and encourages the use of restraints for minimal movement. Perfect for oral sex and other types of penetration, this position can guarantee mind-blowing orgasms. The Sub is usually tied down to a bed or post and the Dom takes control.

The power grab

The Dom penetrates from behind while the Sub has their hands tied on their back. The position is more like the doggy style but in this case; the Dominant has all the power and control. Hair pulling, spanking, name-calling can be used to make the sub feel lesser. It, however, shouldn’t involve things that you are uncomfortable doing.

Against the wall

If your Dominant is physically fit, this is the perfect position to use. The Sub fully relies on the Dom for support making this position sexy but submissive. The Dom stands and holds the sub against the wall while holding both her feet on his waist and thrusts into her. This position is top of the list as gives both clitoral and G-spot orgasms.


Being a doormat can be depressing and exhausting but you can control that by taking charge of your life. Let your Dominant know where you stand, what you are comfortable doing, what your thoughts are, and finally, tell him how you would like to be treated. A D/S relationship should not be one-sided and you should never give your Dom the chance to treat you like a doormat. If he is too aggressive or abusive and cannot change; do a favor and walk away. Chances are that it will hurt but that will also give you another chance to try a new relationship with a better chance at luck. All in all, change starts with you; take time to reflect on when things changed, when your journey to becoming a doormat started, and what it is that you did differently. Take time and change your story.

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